Humble Pie

I have been given a big taste of humble pie this past week. I have six children and I am the full time care provider for a seventh, and I have often been told things like, "You are amazing." "I don't know how you do it!" "You are super woman!" While these comments boosted my ego a little, they also made me feel a bit like I had to hold it all together and put out this appearance of being able to manage all these children well and do it with grace, style and a smile on my face!! I'm not sure what appearance I put out to people, but just recently, the facade has been chipping away very slowly, and just this week almost crumbled completely. Through a series of circumstances that are still in the works, I am beginning to realize that I do not have it all together and I am not as amazing as people think, I can't do it all (at least not alone!), and I certainly am not superwoman!! I find it a bit comforting, but also a bit embarassing that God has chosed to get my attention finally by allowing me to almost have an anxiety attack because I am just plain trying to do it all. I am learning that I cannot do it all, and that just possibly God is not asking me to do it all (which is something He is trying to show me even as I write this). I have been under the false (at least I am hoping at this point!!) assumption that He is asking me to do it all, and I am finding myself emotionally, physically and mentally not able to. Yet at the same time, I am feeling so guilty because I feel like I should be able to do it all and hold it all together for everyone, because that is what a good follower of Jesus would do. I have the Holy Spirit in me, so I should be able to do anything! Jesus laid down his life for me, so I should do it for others, and the Bible commands us to bear one another's burdens. But what happens when doing all of that becomes too much for someone? Does that mean I am not relying on the Holy Spirit enough? Or is it possible that perhaps it is time for me to let other people help me carry the burden for others...the burden has become too much for me to bear alone, and now it is just time to share the burden with other brothers and sisters in Christ? Maybe God is not asking me to bear this burden alone anymore. I just need to hear that it is time for me to share the burden because that is the right thing to do at this point. For some reason, though, I need people (like my husband and good friends) to tell me that it is OK and not wrong for me to share this burden, and that I do not need to do this alone anymore. For so long I felt like my husband really thought that I need to keep bearing this burden, and that made it so hard for me to think objectivley about this. But I am truly hoping that God is in this decision. Either way, I am seeing that I cannot hold life together for everyone, I cannot do it all, and I totally need the help of my good friends, my husband, my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, and the Holy Spirit's power to even function as I should! The facade is crumbled, and I am at ground zero, exactly where God needs me to be to get my attention back onto Him, and it forces me to rely 100% on Him for anything! I guess I'd rather be a mess who needs to rely on Him completely than a person who appears to have it together, but is relying on myself.

Never Mind...A Poem by Heidi McLain

I will soon become a foster child.
I did nothing to deserve this.
Can I stay with you for a while?
Never mind. You think you are too old.

I am hungry.
I had powdered creamer for dinner. Could you make me a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich?
Never mind. You're going out to dinner.

I am sick.
My mom didn't take good care of me. Can you please take me to the doctor?
Never mind. You have to meet a friend for coffee.

I have been homeless.
I have never slept on a bed before, and I am almost ten. Can I sleep on
your son's top bunk?
Never mind. You want him to have his own room.

I do poorly in school.
My dad was always too drunk to help me with homework. Can you guide me
through it?
Never mind. You have to go shopping.

I am suffering.
My mom's boyfriend broke my arm. Can you please comfort me?
Never mind. You will get too attached.

I am scared.
Everyone who ever loved me, hurt me. Can you hold me?
Never mind. It's Monday night football.

I feel worthless.
No one ever wanted to be with me. Can you teach me how to play ball?
Never mind. You have to take your daughter to piano lessons.

I am sad.
So many things are bothering me. Will you listen?
Never mind. Tonight is your PTA meeting.

I have been neglected.
Every night, I wish I were never born. Can you help me want to live?
Never mind. You are getting ready to go on vacation.

I have lost hope.
My dad said he wouldn't beat me if I weren't so stupid. Can I come
learn from you?
Never mind. You think your house is not big enough.

I have been bullied.
All the kids call me "dirty boy." Can I please bathe at your house?
Never mind. You are getting ready for a party.

I have no self-esteem.
No matter what I do, it isn't good enough. Can you encourage me?
Never mind. You are watching television.

I have no role model.
My dad left us, and my mom went to jail. Could you show me what it
right and wrong?
Never mind. You have yard work to do.

I have no friends.
I have never gotten to go anywhere besides school. Will you take me
with you to church?
Never mind. It would be too much of a hastle.

I have been abandoned.
My mom leaves my baby sister and me alone. Can you watch over us for a while?
Never mind. It would hurt you too much when we left.

I am lost.
No one has ever been there for me, and I don't know whom I can trust.
Can you introduce me to God?
Never mind. You have errands to run.

I am in need.
There are not enough loving foster parents. Will you become one?
...Never mind.

Put Not Your Trust in Princes

Politics...I'm sure this one word conjures up different feelings in each one of us, feelings perhaps of disgust, frustration, apathy, passion and others. It is hard to avoid the topic these days as we have just finished two weeks jammed packed with speakers from both sides of the fence speaking on behalf of their candidate and their causes and issues. (I'm exhausted from staying up past 11:00 pm for the past four weeks with the Olympics for two weeks and then the DNC and the RNC following!) I know that the next two months will be even more jammed packed with it as the debates are coming and the candidates will increase their attacks against one another in hopes of proving their ability to lead our country.

I am also so tired of people putting so much stock into what these candidates can do for us. We can get so caught up in the whole hooplah and battle that occurs between the two sides and so sure that our candidate is "the one" who will deliver this country from its troubles. (I am just as guilty of this as the next person.) I am trying to remind myself in the midst of this that one or two people cannot deliver our country from its problems. Aside from the fact that the way the US government is set up, no one person can control everything, only God Himself can deliver any country from its troubles. If we look at the Bible, usually He delivers countries that are honoring Him with the way they treat the poor and oppressed and the way they respect God and obey His commands. I wonder if the same would be true today with our country. I am reminded of what God says to Israel in 2 Chronicles 7: 13-14. He says, "When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." Perhaps this could be true of our country...when us, God's people, believers, pull ourselves away from getting so wrapped up in our party or candidate and all the warring against one another and bad feelings we can feel towards the "other side" politically, and get on our knees and actually PRAY for change in our country, then perhaps we might see it!!

I am also reminded as I find myself caught up in the news and the battle between the two parties of Psalm 146. I believe God led me to this passage for this very time, the 2008 elections. It is Psalm 146: 3-7. It says, "Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs, he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish. Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever; who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry." God is ultimately the One Who controls the destinies of any and every country! Now we know that not everyone in our country shares this view, and that is why I feel that as believers, we have such a burden and a responsibility to quit getting so caught up in the rivalry politically, and start to cry out for our country and for the people in it and the leaders of it.

And while we are doing that, we also need to quit relying completely on our government to care for the poor and needy, and start getting off of our rear ends and do something to help alleviate the problem!!! The government needs our help to help those in need, and we as the church SHOULD have a burden for the poor and oppressed. If we read Amos, we see what God said He would do to His people because they became so caught up in their own "wants" and pursuit of the Israelite equivalent of the "American Dream" and began to neglect the poor and oppressed in order to get more for themselves.

Now those who know me know that I care about who is elected into office, and I have my personal reasons why I will vote for who I am going to vote for. And I fully believe that believers can vote for two different candidates and still be right with their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and right before God. We all need to vote for who we believe will best lead our country and do so for the person we believe God is leading us to vote for. And like I said, that could be two differnt candidates for two different people. I just am tired of all the bickering back and forth, and getting so caught up in the "fight" for the Oval Office and in putting so much hope and stock into one candidate as the one who will deliver this country. I must not forget that it is God Who determines the fate of our country and every country in this world; and I must not forget my role in praying hard for the people in this country as well as the leaders, getting off of my rear end and start to serve those who are in need and get my focus off of me and onto God and others, and to vote for the candidate I feel will best lead our country (with a clean conscience before God, and knowing that my candidate is not necessarily the right choice for my fellow brother or sister in Christ).

Goals and Dreams

God is so good and so faithful. The past few months have been stretching for me. God has been speaking to my heart in subtle and not so subtle ways, for which I am so grateful. I have been challenged in part by a couple of books I've read and with some of our Sunday School lessons at church. One book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, has completely changed the way I see life and the purpose of it. My life as a follower of Christ exists to follow His lead and serve others, love others, and die to my self interests, not to pursue the American Dream. This is the responsibility of the church as well, and the church in America struggles with this as we can be so inwardly focused and so conditioned to follow the American Dream. The other book I read was called The Irrestistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne. This book caused me to wrestle with some deeply personal stuff related to my life as a middle class mother in a middle class church. This book was all about our role as followers of Christ in helping the poor. While I disagree with some of Shane's ideas about how this plays out, such as certain social activist ideas that he has and his ideas for a socialist community, his ideas that the suburbs are evil, his anti-war views, and also his idea that as believers it is our primary responsibility to eradicate poverty (I believe that as believers it is our primary responsibilty to share the love of God with everyone we come into contact with, both rich and poor, and of course that includes helping people in need), he definitely challenged me to look for ways to help the poor and underpriviledged and oppressed in my community and the world.

After studying the book of Joel and the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) in Sunday School, right after reading these books, it only compounded this drive that God has placed in me to find ways to help poor and oppressed people. God has a heart for poor and oppressed people, and it is our responsibilty as "wealthy" people to do what we can to help. And not just because we feel like we have to, but because God calls us to live a selfless life and to serve and love others, and in so doing, not just help them with their needs, but also to share His selfless love with them. I am finding myself wanting my life to count for something other than chasing the American Dream. That is not what God has called me to. I am to spend my life on Him, and use my life to serve Him and do something that honors Him and makes a differnce for Him in the lives of people. I believe He is passionate about people, and that is what I want to be passionate about as well. I don't want to waste my life on myself. As my kids get older and get into school, and I find myself with a bit more time during the day, I want to do things that have meaning, not just get a job to make more money for us to spend on stuff that has no true meaning. How can I use my life to help those in need who need to know His love in tangible ways? How can I share His love with others?

Our country and culture focuses so much on achieving the American Dream. We are told by politicians (on both sides of the fence), school teachers, college professors and others, that we deserve the American Dream, and that is what very American needs and deserves and should be striving for. Sure, that sounds great, but as a Christian, I am first a Child of God before I am an American, and my life is not my own anymore...I've been bought with a price, and I want my life to count for more than pursuing my self interests. I have not been called to go after the American Dream. I've been called to follow the Holy Spirit's lead wherever He takes me, even if it is counter-cultural and even makes no common sense to those I know.

I want to spend my life on my Savior and my God.

In the words of the band Switchfoot:

This ain't my American Dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I'm tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American Dream

In the words of a repsected politician: Serve a cause greater than yourself.

The One Who is Worth It

I have been overwhelmed yet again by the love, mercy and concern of my Father for the people He has created. His love and care for the poor, needy, weak and helpless is so wonderful to me. I have been studying the life of Jesus through a study by Beth Moore, and it is amazing to me how much Jesus loves and cares for the lives of those around Him. He seems to hate the attitudes of people who care only for following rules and regulations and who forget about loving people. I am not that much of a people person...my communication skills are not the greatest. I tend to get tongue-tied and don't always know what to say to people, especially when I am one-on-one with someone. So I tend to shy away from talking to people, and don't like to do it if I don't have to. Making phone calls to people is always a character building hurdle for me, every time I pick up the phone. So my tendency to avoid people at times can make it hard for me to be loving towards them. But after beginning this study, my view is slowly changing, and I am beginning to see people as priceless to God, and because of that, I need to talk to them and reach out to them in spite of how I feel. Even if I say something stupid, at least I am talking to them and engaging them and opening myself up and giving God an opportunity, no matter how small, to use me somehow. Because I love God and want to do what He wants me to do, I can overcome my discomforts and engage people, even if I feel like an idiot. At least I've maybe given God a chance to use me if He so wishes. He is worth feeling like an idiot for. My goodness, He loves me, the queen of idiots and sinners! How unworthy I am of Him even glancing at me let alone caring for me and being concerned with my raggedy life and possibly even using me! My Lord and my God, Have mercy on me, a sinner.

He's Really Growing on Me!

This man, Mike Huckabee, is seeming more and more like a refreshing change for president. Here is another reason that I like Mike...

Ponderings

What is my role and responsibility as a daughter of God in the political environment? How much should my identity as a child of God play into and affect my choices of who I vote for and the values and issues I deem to be the most important? This will inevitably open a can of worms, because we all have different opinions on this issue. I, however, have an answer for my own questions after much pondering, reading and some discussion with others. Before I get into my answer, I want to say that I am full of mistakes and faulty thinking, and I am corrected and need to be corrected quite frequently. So, as a person full of mistakes, here I go to begin answering my own questions.

To begin answering my questions, I tried to think about what issues were the most important. Was the issue of health care, raising or lowering taxes, the border, ending poverty, properly managing the environment, gay marriage, abortion, the war, the most important in deciding who to vote for? But for me, I am beginning to pull back away from political parties and thinking about what the heart of politics and this country and being a child of God means to me. For me, the most important issue is loving people. People are what God loves, what He sent His only Son for, and I believe a deep and true love for people is the most important issue. Now how does that play out in the various "issues" that we find out there that divide parties and candidates? I'm not fully sure, but I have to begin somewhere. So I begin with valuing people and valuing life. How can we say we value and love people if we do not value and promote life? If we are willing to end someone's life because they are an inconvenience to us at a certain time, how is that valuing people? So any candidate from any party who puts a measuring stick on people's lives and who does not value human life even in its most vulnerable state is not worthy, in my opinion, to serve our country full of vulnerable and imperfect people. So someone who does not value the right to life, how can they properly love and serve the people of our country?

Continuing with this, no one issue should be all that I use to say whether someone is fit to hold office. Someone could be prolife but have no idea how to lead our country. But I believe that one issue should determine if someone is unfit to hold office. For me, a person who endorses the killing of an unborn child should not be allowed to hold public office in this country. For some people, that one issue that would deem someone unfit for public office might be something like racism or the endorsement of pornography. It is similar to choosing a marriage partner. For me, someone who was not a believer I would deem as unfit for marriage, yet if they did not like chocolate, I could live with that. There are certain things that are more important, that show a person's character, than other things.

I read recently about a law in one of the states that says it is illegal to unjustifiably injure, maim, mutilate or kill any animal. That person would be guilty of a misdemeanor. Now, how does that match up with maiming, injuring, mutilating and killing an eight week old baby with a beating heart, brain waves and the ability to feel things? Couldn't an unborn baby at least be on the same "level" as an animal? (Some of what I am discussing here is spelled out even more clearly by John Piper. His wording of this completely speaks my heart. Here is a link to what he says. )

I have a hard time, as a daughter of God, saying that it is OK to vote into public office a person who accepts this cruel behavior to human life...life that is valuable...even if that person was able to fix our healthcare system, save the environment and end the war on terror in his (or her) first year in office!

I just want to make sure that the lense I am using to see this world is not tainted by our culture and the "American Dream" of having it all. What truly is the most important? There are so many different ways to handle many of the issues out there, but for me, only one determines the character of a person, and that is how they view human life.